How To Lose All Your Viewers (With The Casagrandes)
by Flagg1991
Summary: Ronnie Anne is desperate to make her crappy spinoff work. Oneshot.


**Partially inspired by Spagthesis's latest story where he makes fun of a bunch of people in the fandom, but mostly inspired by the Casadumbasses. I like Ronnie Anne and wasn't happy when they shipped her off the show. This spinoff, in my honest opinion, is a ratings ploy and irks the hell out of me, especially the way they tacked them onto a bunch of regular Loud House eps like a passive aggressive parent hiding veggies in their kids' mashed potatoes.I hear they even brought Ronnie Anne's father in, which I think is just stupid. Her not having one - whether he and her mother divorced or he died - added far more depth to her character than all those Casagrande jackasses combined. I won't knock anyone else for liking it, but it's not my bag. At all.**

* * *

The Loud House theme plays over the opening graphic - Lincoln crashing through the crowded halls and...you know the rest - then cuts to Ronnie Anne standing on a street corner, a big, sly grin on her face. "Ha, fooled you guys, you thought -"

The camera pans away.

"Wait, no! Come back!"

The camera comes back, and Ronnie Anne sighs. "Look, I get it, you guys want Lincoln and his sisters, but I'm gonna show you that me and my cousins are _way _cooler. For one thing, there's the novelty factor, since we're ethnic. That means lots of mariachi music, Spanglish, and -"

Growing bored, the camera starts to turn away.

"PLEASE!"

Ronnie Anne balls her hands in a gesture of abjection, her eyes wide with pleasing. "I just want my own piece of the pie, okay? Is that really so bad? Just give _The Casagrandes _a chance, please, I swear you'll like it. You know all that stuff you love about Lincoln's sisters? I can do that too, and our episodes really aren't all _that _different. We're _just _as unoriginal as The Loud House. You know that episode where Lincoln gets Lynn and Lucy to stop fighting by inviting them both to dinner without telling the other? Sounds a lot like that Spongebob episode where Squidward does the same, huh? Yeah, we ripped Spongebob off too. No Show...I call Mexican telenovels like _Lo Que La Vida Me Robo _gay, then become obsessed with one, just like Squidward with Krabby Patties. Store Wars...me and my family stay up around the clock, just like the Krusty Krew. Pranks For the Memories...see, just like Luan. I swear. Please, don't leave me."

A hint of desperation creeps into her voice.

The camera starts to move away again.

"WAIT!"

Ronnie Anne drags someone on screen, a girl with brown hair, almond eyes, and freckles. "Look, it's Sid," Ronnie Anne says, harried now, her eyes shining with madness, "you guys like Sid, right? Sid, do that thing with your shoulders everyone loves."

Sid smiles nervously, then wiggles her bare shoulders.

"She'll do that in every episode, I swear."

That's not enough, however. The camera starts to turn once more.

"Oh, God," Ronnie Anne worries, "our ratings are tanking. Sid, take your shirt off."

Sid's brow furrows and she looks at Ronnie Anne like the Hispanic has lost her mind.

It works, though, the camera comes back.

"These shoulders, huh?" Ronnie Anne says. She lays one hand on Sid's shoulder. It's smooth, pale, and swirling with freckles. "Don't you just wanna linger your lips on them? Pepper them with soft, urgent kisses?"

Sid's face crinkles in horror. "Gross, what are you doing?"

"If we can't appeal to the kids, we have to appeal to the fandom." Ronnie Anne turns to the camera. "Look how fucking sexy this eleven-year-old girl is. Don't you just wanna undress her, scoop her up, and carry her to your mom's basement? She has a great personality too. She won't make fun of your man boobs, anime collection, or small penis. I promise. She'll take load after load and ask for more like the cum thirsty little slut she is. She also has a little sister. I know how much you guys love lolis and incest. You like me too? Well, I'll fuck Sid if I have to, just don' cry about forced representation when you get done pounding off to us."

Visibly shaken, Sid tries to pull away, but Ronnie Anne holds fast. "Flagg, write us into one of your 3edgy5me darkfics. You wanna be Stephen King so bad, I'll be your Carrie. Just don't fuck up the ending like you usually do. OddCombo, take Flagg's story and genderbend it. Make me Ron Andy and Sid Syd. Abby, lewd us and make us get impossibly pregnant, whatever you want, bro, I really don't care. Spag, write Sid getting Groused. His wrinkled old man balls slapping her prepubescent clit. Tell me _that _doesn't get your wasame pumping. Ultrahand, you say you're over your fat fetish, but picture Sid's delectable shoulders weighing a hundred pounds each. Pretty boner inducing, amirite?"

She rolls her eyes to the sky and searches her brain. "We needs the real heavy hitters here. Engineer, write a story where my cousins kick my ass. Hero, kill me. Pat, make a Sionnie sid kid. Give it the most attention grabbing and autistic gimmick you can; please, dude, I'm begging here. Lio, make me fuck my dad. I'll do _anything_ to bring up these abysmal ratings. Chip, reee at all your friends when they say they don't like us - they're just jealous _their _OC doesn't have such fuckable shoulders. Vash, you and Daddy Warbucks pay everyone for art of us, then charge back their accounts and put them into bankruptcy. Discretion Assured, we'll make a story you can _really _brag about. You think Family Matters is big, wait until you take _us _for a spin. Thanks for 10,000 views? More like thanks for 10 million views."

Ronnie Anne is positively panting now, her face flushed and a frenzied gleam in her eyes. "Who else, who else? Oh, Fresh Knight, make an eighties version of us. JCM, please, man, come on. JumpJump, that pic you did says no but your rap sheet says yes."

"Let me go," Sid says and wrenches away from Ronnie Anne. "You're fucking crazy, I'm out."

"NO, I NEED YOU!"

She lunges, and Sid bolts.

"WAIT!"

Ronnie Anne gives chase, and all of her family members crowd into the scene, each one smiling stupidly and wearing a sombrero - because they're Mexican, gotta drive that point home. They hold instruments and begin to play _La Cucaracha. _Carlos (is that his name?) is dressed exactly like Ronnie Anne, because it's 2019 and okay for boys to crossdress and take it up their ass. Hey, furiously beating your meat to traps and futa does _not _make you gay, bro. Wanting to suck cock doesn't make you gay either. The Down Syndrome boy rattles maracas - look how proggressive we are, we even give retards representation! Give us accolades like you did with Harold and Howard, please. SJWs, love us! Carlotta shakes her big, bulging, grotesque ass, a strange little swirly symbol to one side of her head. The fandom loves 'em thicc - Triple Z tiddies, thunder thighs, and stomachs like deflated balloons. Unf, sexy~

They all step aside to reveal a dumpster in flames and Nick execs squeezing The Loud House logo for everything it's worth, because I'm Flagg, fuck sublety, this shit's an obvious cash grab and a ratings disaster too. _Hispanics love us, so if we make a version with Hispanic characters, they'll eat out of our palm for the next 100 seasons, LOL XD_

Sid slips away and jumps over to The Loud House because she's the only aspect of this clusterfuck that isn't complete shit (even though, tbh, I'm already fucking sick of her), and Ronnie Anne sinks to her knees in defeat. She hangs her head and sobs as her family surrounds her, each one looking somber and sad because they know this is the end - their Loud House eps bombed and now they'll _never _get their own spinoff. They begin to play a stereotypically Mexican rendition of _Nearer, My God, To Thee_, and Ronnie Anne weeps into her hands.

"I never should have gone solo," she hitches, "I should have been happy to be a supporting character, but no, my hubris got the better of me. Now everyone hates me more than Wheatgrass hates minorities."

She curls up into a ball, eyes wide and staring, and rocks back and forth as the screen slowly, and eternally, fades to black.


End file.
